Tag Archive: Movies TV Music


Simpsons Celebrate 4th of July

“Celebrate your country’s independence by blowing up a small part of it”

Will George Lucas EVER stop reshooting that cantina scene? First he tried to make us believe, with his edits to Star Wars, that Greedo shot first. (Sorry, George—we ain’t buying it.)
And now THIS?
We’ve watched and rewatched that Mos Eisley scene so many times we occasionally forget we weren’t actually there, but one thing we’re sure of is that David Beckham and Snoop Dogg weren’t there either!
Well, now they are, thanks to a commercial for Adidas Originals that Lucasfilm pulled together tied in with the upcoming 2010 FIFA World Cup.

Fun With Family Guy

For years Family Guy has been one of the most irreverent and controversial shows on television. When your show gets canceled and only makes it back on the air due to a rabid Internet fanbase, it goes to show that you are one of the best at what you do. Family Guy has always strives to push the envelope, and not only does the show not apologize for this, they revel in it. Would you really think that Family Guy’s Emmy campaign would be anything less than over the top?

In a world that strives to be politically correct, Family Guy flips the world the bird. Like most comedies, when it comes to awards the focus is on fun (The Boondocks slogan their first year was “Fuck It, We’ll Try Anyway”). For Family Guy it is fun and making fun that they excel at. They decided to try a theme they call “Celebrating Diversity”. So without further adieu, here are the highlights from Family Guy’s Emmy mailer…

The “Celebrating Diversity” theme is carried on inside with a list of all writers on the animated show grouped by ethnicity/sexual orientation: “Family Guy – written by 8 WASPS, 6 Jews, 2 Asian and 1 Gay.” They also had their poster featuring Peter Griffin in the movie poster from Precious. It isn’t a bad idea but can it top their success last year when it won for Best Comedy, the first cartoon to win in almost 50 years. At least last year’s mailer had better reasons to vote for the show. “We peaked 3 years ago, so by your logic we should get an Emmy now; You have to vote for us — we did a holocaust episode; and Family Guy with Tina Fey… Not really, we just want an Emmy”.

Will Family Guy win another Best Comedy Emmy this year? They have my vote (not that I have one or anyone cares what I think).

Jack Bauer…Vampire?

With the final season of 24 ending the biggest mystery of all is Jack Bauer. A normal television season takes place over weeks or months, where 24 takes place in one day. We tend to forget that the gash, burn, or broken rib in the sixth hour should and would still be there twelve hours later, but miraculously they are gone. Not only does Jack have the power to heal almost instantly, but also he never ages. Take a look at the timeline from the various 24 seasons to see that Jack Bauer may be a vampire (fast healing + can’t die + doesn’t age).
In the first season, in 2001, Jack was a highly successful federal agent with a 15-year-old daughter. Although Jack’s age was never stated, he had to be at least in his late mid to late thirties. He was a college graduate who had received his master’s in criminology, then joined the U.S. Army, reaching the rank of captain in the prestigious Delta Squad. After the Army, he worked for Los Angeles SWAT team, and then joined the CIA in its clandestine wing. After this, he was recruited to the CTU, the mysterious agency where Jack toils when the series begins. It is almost impossible for an average person to have accomplished so much before they were fifty, but Bauer is no average man.
When the series started we can be extra generous and say he was 38. A warning is that the timeline isn’t exact but it is as close as we can get. Season 2 was 18 months after season 1, making Jack 39-40. Season 3 was three years after season 2, making Jack about 42-43. Season 4 was 18 months after season 3, making Jack about at least 45. Season 5 was 18 months after season 4, making Jack about 47. Season 6 was 20 months after season 5, making Jack about 49. 24-Redemption, a two-hour movie that supposedly tied things together, was four years after season 6, making Jack 53-54. Season 7, happening shortly after Redemption, still has Jack at around 54. Season 8, looks to be three years after season 8, as Jack’s granddaughter is close to three, making Jack around 57. He’s quite a physical specimen for a man with an AARP Card! Also, add up the years and it is now 2014 in the series, if the series started in the same year that it aired. Maybe that explains all the CTU super-technology that does not seem to exist in our reality. VAMPIRES I TELL YOU, VAMPIRES.

With the final season of 24 ending the biggest mystery of all is Jack Bauer. A normal television season takes place over weeks or months, where 24 takes place in one day. We tend to forget that the gash, burn, or broken rib in the sixth hour should and would still be there twelve hours later, but miraculously they are gone. Not only does Jack have the power to heal almost instantly, but also he never ages. Take a look at the timeline from the various 24 seasons to see that Jack Bauer may be a vampire (fast healing + can’t die + doesn’t age).In the first season, in 2001, Jack was a highly successful federal agent with a 15-year-old daughter. Although Jack’s age was never stated, he had to be at least in his late mid to late thirties. He was a college graduate who had received his master’s in criminology, then joined the U.S. Army, reaching the rank of captain in the prestigious Delta Squad. After the Army, he worked for Los Angeles SWAT team, and then joined the CIA in its clandestine wing. After this, he was recruited to the CTU, the mysterious agency where Jack toils when the series begins. It is almost impossible for an average person to have accomplished so much before they were fifty, but Bauer is no average man.When the series started we can be extra generous and say he was 38. A warning is that the timeline isn’t exact but it is as close as we can get. Season 2 was 18 months after season 1, making Jack 39-40. Season 3 was three years after season 2, making Jack about 42-43. Season 4 was 18 months after season 3, making Jack about at least 45. Season 5 was 18 months after season 4, making Jack about 47. Season 6 was 20 months after season 5, making Jack about 49. 24-Redemption, a two-hour movie that supposedly tied things together, was four years after season 6, making Jack 53-54. Season 7, happening shortly after Redemption, still has Jack at around 54. Season 8, looks to be three years after season 8, as Jack’s granddaughter is close to three, making Jack around 57. He’s quite a physical specimen for a man with an AARP Card! Also, add up the years and it is now 2014 in the series, if the series started in the same year that it aired. Maybe that explains all the CTU super-technology that does not seem to exist in our reality. VAMPIRES I TELL YOU, VAMPIRES.

Ever since news came out that Tim Burton would be making a live version of Alice in Wonderland with Johnny Deep as the Mad Hatter, fans have waited with bated breath. By now if you were planning on going to see the movie you probably already have, so it is safe to talk about it.

Now I am a huge fan of Tim Burton, the Mad Hatter, and the insanity of the Alice in Wonderland and Alice Through the Looking Glass books. The movie was based more on Alice Through the Looking Glass (about when she was grown) with a flashback to the original Alice in Wonderland. This was a movie that was better in 3-D, but wasn’t crucial. In fact the best thing about the movie was the graphics. The movie was short and the story seemed a bit rushed. There were little continuity problems (the cuts on Alice’s are getting better and worse depending on the scene) but nothing that took away from the movie as a whole. That being said it was still worth the experience, even if it is just to see for yourself if Deep’s dancing ruins the movie.

Once one of your favorite actors, actresses, directors, etc. takes on a role you will always be more excited to see it than a film without someone you have an interest in seeing. I can’t decide if I am being to hard or too easy on Alice in Wonderland, but it is worth seeing especially if you can still see it in 3-D.

V & Alien Babies

When the television show V came back last month in March I was ecstatic. The show is a guilty pleasure, a mainstream sci-fi show that isn’t just for nerds. Recently (and for the first time in any sci-fi show) it came up that humans and the alien V’s can’t breed. Common sense would say that different species wouldn’t be able to procreate, but I guess we are supposed to chalk that up to willing suspension of disbelief. In a recent episode the “impossible” happened, an alien got a human woman pregnant. He had just told his girlfriend that he couldn’t have kids, and know she is knocked up and craving dead mice. This got me to thinking, what if aliens are already on Earth? Is the way to tell as simple as the ability to have children? Now there are people that have the ability to have kids, but it never happens, and there are instances where there are medical issues that prevent children. What about the people that medically should be able to have kids but even after years of trying, never can breed? I think we need to examine them, they may not really be human, just visitors from another planet. Think about it…

For most guys the most feared thing we ever can encounter is spending $30 to go to a movie theater and watch a horrible chick flick. A sappy love story, no action, no killing, nothing blown up, it is like paying to be tortured for two hours. What men need is for these awful movies to be made more guy friendly. Imagine Ghost with actual ghosts, the Titanic where the rich passengers go below decks to fight with the poor travelers, and Dirty Dancing wherePatrick Swayze is an undercover assassin. What I propose is the master of guy movies Quentin Tarentino remakes these “classics” in his normal style. Sit back and enjoy the first of many in the series “Tarentino Fixes… ”.

The first movie to fix is none other than Pretty Woman. A few changes keep the plot the same but make the movie much more patchable. Richard Gere would be the head of an import/export company in town to buy off politicians to let his mob in town. While in town he would rent out a hooker (Julia Roberts) to keep him company, no need to change that, just thrown in some more skin. Gere would use Roberts to influence the politicians, giving them Roberts or any other woman they wanted. When Jason Anderson found out that Gere was falling for Roberts he was going to kill him and take over the mob. Roberts’ friend would then kill off Alexander before he could take out Gere. The killing would cause Roberts to leave Gere in fear for her life and try to escape the town. Gere would use all methods at his disposal to track her down until finally finding her at an abandoned warehouse. No white knight riding in on his horse, you get Gere taking Roberts away in a limo with the movie ending. You never know what she does, it she stays with him, she tries to leave, she gets killed for knowing too much info, you just never know.

Gin Rummy Quote

Boondocks is the best cartoon strip and TV cartoon ever, there is no debate. They say what people think, they mock anyone and everyone, they say anything (they did an episode about the N (Nigga is a friend Nigger is an insult), and best of all, Samuel L Jackson plays a white militant Iraq vet named Gin Rummy. Rummy’s best lines are taken from Donald Rumsfield quotes “absence of evidence” and “unknown unknows” and made into huge satire. Here is the best…

Gin Rummy: I always say the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.
Riley: What?
Gin Rummy: Simply because you don’t have evidence that something does exist does not mean you have evidence of something that doesn’t exist.
Riley: What?
Gin Rummy: What country are you from?
Riley: What?
Gin Rummy: ‘What’ ain’t no country I ever heard of! They speak English in ‘What’?
Riley: What?
Gin Rummy: English, motherfucker! Do you speak it?
Riley: Yeah.
Gin Rummy: So you understand the words I’m saying to you!
Riley: Yeah.
Gin Rummy: Well, what I’m saying is that there are known knowns and that there are known unknowns. But there are also unknown unknowns; things we don’t know that we don’t know.
Riley: What?
Gin Rummy: Say what again! Say what again! I dare you! I double dare you, motherfucker! Say what one more time!

The best line from any movie ever. Period. Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting

Why shouldn’t I work for the N.S.A.? That’s a tough one, but I’ll take a shot. Say I’m working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I’m real happy with myself, ’cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never met, never had no problem with, get killed. Now the politicians are sayin’, “Oh, send in the Marines to secure the area” ’cause they don’t give a shit. It won’t be their kid over there, gettin’ shot. Just like it wasn’t them when their number got called, ’cause they were pullin’ a tour in the National Guard. It’ll be some kid from Southie takin’ shrapnel in the ass. And he comes back to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, ’cause he’ll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile, he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And, of course, the oil companies used the skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices. A cute little ancillary benefit for them, but it ain’t helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And they’re takin’ their sweet time bringin’ the oil back, of course, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and fuckin’ play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain’t too long ’til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So now my buddy’s out of work and he can’t afford to drive, so he’s got to walk to the fuckin’ job interviews, which sucks ’cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin’ him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he’s starvin’, ’cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat, the only blue plate special they’re servin’ is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what did I think? I’m holdin’ out for somethin’ better. I figure fuck it, while I’m at it why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.