Tag Archive: Jokes


Baseball Justice

Why do people bring baseball gloves to a game and not use them (or bring them at all)? I went to a college hockey game once and a guy tried to catch a puck from an errant slap shot of the stick a hulking Swedish defenseman. The puck ended up twenty rows past the guy and his thumb was still snapped back to his wrist. Accidents happen so hang up the f’n phone!

The headline pretty much says it all. The video — for now anyway —can be seen at Deadspin. Wait for the slow-mo, which renders the fan’s divinely-deigned fate all the clearer.  Sadly, it doesn’t appear as though he’s talking on an iPhone, but let us not make the perfect the enemy of the good.

Best part: the girl who brought her glove to the game and was standing right next to cell phone guy actually backed away from the ball rather than try to field it.  I’d like to think that this was intentional and that she knew full well her role in this fan’s cosmic comeuppance.

Advertisements

A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

‘My darring,’ he whispers, ‘I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting – juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?’ he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her..

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, ‘I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls… Numbaa 69.’

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, ‘You want… Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?”

Will George Lucas EVER stop reshooting that cantina scene? First he tried to make us believe, with his edits to Star Wars, that Greedo shot first. (Sorry, George—we ain’t buying it.)
And now THIS?
We’ve watched and rewatched that Mos Eisley scene so many times we occasionally forget we weren’t actually there, but one thing we’re sure of is that David Beckham and Snoop Dogg weren’t there either!
Well, now they are, thanks to a commercial for Adidas Originals that Lucasfilm pulled together tied in with the upcoming 2010 FIFA World Cup.

Brock Lesnar > Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was once the most feared man in the world. Now that he has gotten older he has had to relinquish his status as the toughest man that ever lived. After a long and exhausting search a replacement for Norris was found, and he is even tougher that Norris. After nearly dying from diverticulitis, UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar made the colon disease disappear. The only way to cure it is with a surgical removal. Brock is tougher than disease and smarter than medical experts. Brock is now the most dangerous man in the universe. Here is just a small list of his skills.
Brock Lesnar is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t need to shave, his stubble falls out on its own
Brocks donated 156 organs to those in need. Half have come from his victims the other half are his and regenerated
Brock is immortal. If you try to kill him you will die
Brock’s tattoos aren’t real. No needle is strong enough to break his skin. He just draws them with sharpies.
Brock doesn’t need a cell phone. He just thinks and the person knows what he wants to say
Brock can’t get the flu. The flu gets shots to protect themselves from Brock
When Brock proposed he didn’t buy a diamond ring he squeezed a lump of Coal into a fourteen-carrot diamond
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Brock Lesnar can piss his name into concrete.
The chief export of Brock Lesnar is pain.
Brock Lesnar is the only person in the world that can actually email a heart punch.
Brock Lesnar’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Brock Lesnar uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
When Brock Lesnar is put in a straight jacket to be contained, he doesn’t go insane, the jacket does. NOBODY tries to contain Brock Lesnar.
Jesus can walk on water, but Brock Lesnar can swim through dry land.
Brock Lesnar once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Brock Lesnar doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.
Brock Lesnar once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Superman wears Brock Lesnar pajamas when he goes to sleep.
Brock Lesnar does not need to use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford changes its actual spelling.
Brock Lesnar died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
Brock Lesnar does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles” contest. Brock Lesnar won… by five.
Brock Lesnar is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Brock Lesnar can kill two stones with one bird.
When Brock Lesnar crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
Brock Lesnar counted to infinity. Twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar can beat the Sun in a staring contest.
Brock Lesnar has already been to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life there.
They once made a Brock Lesnar toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
Brock Lesnar can hold his breathe for nine years.
Brock Lesnar CAN eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
An elbow to the chest by Brock Lesnar is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
Brock Lesnar is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
There is no such thing as a lesbian, there are just girls who have never met Brock Lesnar.
When Brock Lesnar had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Brock Lesnar. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
If Brock Lesnar is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Brock Lesnar sleeps with a night light. Not because Brock Lesnar is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Brock Lesnar
Brock Lesnar doesn’t chew gum. Brock Lesnar chews tin foil.
Brock Lesnar can touch MC Hammer.
When Brock Lesnar runs with scissors other people get hurt.
Brock Lesnar ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Brock Lesnar can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Brock Lesnar frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
If you spell Brock Lesnar in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
There is no such thing as tornados. Brock Lesnar just hates trailer parks.
Brock Lesnar once had a heart attack, his heart lost.
A duck’s quack does not echo. Brock Lesnar is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Brock Lesnar’ fists are so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
When Brock Lesnar plays Monopoly, it affects the economy.
Apple pays Brock Lesnar 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Brock Lesnar’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
When Brock Lesnar does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Brock Lesnar has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
When Brock Lesnar picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.
Brock Lesnar invented water.
Brock Lesnar can rhyme orange and purple… with each other!
Brock Lesnar’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Brock Lesnar jumps out.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t wear a watch; HE decides what time it is.
Brock Lesnar gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Brock Lesnar once had sex in a trailer and a little bit of sperm got in the gas tank, we now know this trailer as Optimus Prime
Brock Lesnar can slam a revolving door.
There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Brock Lesnar’s computer. Brock Lesnar is always in control.
Minnesota does not have a police force. They have Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Brock Lesnar? …All of it.
Brock Lesnar’s penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
You are what you eat. Brock Lesnar eats steel.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t eat breakfast, he forces it into submission.
Anyone can piss on the floor, but Brock Lesnar can shit on the ceiling
What is the quickest way to mans heart? Brock Lesnar’s fist.
Brock Lesnar is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
God wanted to create the world in 10 days. Brock Lesnar gave him 6.
Most people put their pants on one leg at a time; Brock Lesnar does both legs at once.
There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Brock Lesnar counts for 4 of them.
Brock Lesnar once punched a man in the SOUL.
God said “Let there be light”, Brock Lesnar said “Say please”.
If you Google search “Brock Lesnar getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
It takes Brock Lesnar 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Bullets dodge Brock Lesnar
Brock Lesnar can divide by zero.
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Brock Lesnar to go around.
Brock Lesnar always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
Brock Lesnar believes it’s not butter.
Brock Lesnar can get Blackjack with just one card
Brock Lesnar was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
Brock Lesnar can sneeze with his eyes open
Brock Lesnar got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Brock Lesnar for every answer
Brock Lesnar can split the atom. With his bare hands
Brock Lesnar let the dogs out
Brock Lesnar can piss into gale force winds.
Brock Lesnar invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Brock Lesnar does not “style” his hair. It lies perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
Guns don’t kill people. Brock Lesnar kills People.
What came first, the chicken or the egg? Brock Lesnar.
“Brock Lesnar can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Brock Lesnar allows to live.
Brock Lesnar destroyed the periodic table, because Brock Lesnar only recognizes the element of surprise.
Brock Lesnar can unscramble an egg.
Brock Lesnar can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar once ate 4 turtles whole. When he crapped them out, they all knew karate, and they are now known as The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Brock Lesnar is what Willis was talking about.
Guns kill 12 people a day. Brock Lesnar kills 20.
When Brock Lesnar goes hunting he shoots himself in the leg to give the bear a head start.
Brock Lesnar once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Brock Lesnar once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
The only thing better than Brock Lesnar is Brock Lesnar on TV, talking about Brock Lesnar.
When Brock Lesnar sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Brock Lesnar has not had to pay taxes, ever.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Brock Lesnar can delete the Recycle Bin.
Brock Lesnar puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t get the belt, the belt get Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar can gargle peanut butter.
Brock Lesnar is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Brock Lesnar once went back in time to fight Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee. Brock won blindfolded.
Brock Lesnar lost his virginity before his dad did.
What was going through the minds of Brock Lesnar’ victims before they died? His shoe.
When Brock Lesnar gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, “Now.”
Brock Lesnar doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.
There are no races, only countries of people Brock Lesnar has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Brock Lesnar. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
Brock Lesnar can build a snowman out of rain.
The adjective “perfect” originated when Brock Lesnar gave his penis a nickname
All you need to know is not to mess with Brock Lesnar or he will kill you, slowly. You have been warned!

Chuck Norris was once the most feared man in the world. Now that he has gotten older he has had to relinquish his status as the toughest man that ever lived. After a long and exhausting search a replacement for Norris was found, and he is even tougher that Norris. After nearly dying from diverticulitis, UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar made the colon disease disappear. The only way to cure it is with a surgical removal. Brock is tougher than disease and smarter than medical experts. Brock is now the most dangerous man in the universe. Here is just a small list of his skills.
Brock Lesnar is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t need to shave, his stubble falls out on its ownBrocks donated 156 organs to those in need. Half have come from his victims the other half are his and regeneratedBrock is immortal. If you try to kill him you will dieBrock’s tattoos aren’t real. No needle is strong enough to break his skin. He just draws them with sharpies.Brock doesn’t need a cell phone. He just thinks and the person knows what he wants to sayBrock can’t get the flu. The flu gets shots to protect themselves from BrockWhen Brock proposed he didn’t buy a diamond ring he squeezed a lump of Coal into a fourteen-carrot diamondSome kids piss their name in the snow. Brock Lesnar can piss his name into concrete.
The chief export of Brock Lesnar is pain.
Brock Lesnar is the only person in the world that can actually email a heart punch.
Brock Lesnar’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Brock Lesnar uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
When Brock Lesnar is put in a straight jacket to be contained, he doesn’t go insane, the jacket does. NOBODY tries to contain Brock Lesnar.
Jesus can walk on water, but Brock Lesnar can swim through dry land.
Brock Lesnar once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Brock Lesnar doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.
Brock Lesnar once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Superman wears Brock Lesnar pajamas when he goes to sleep.
Brock Lesnar does not need to use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford changes its actual spelling.
Brock Lesnar died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
Brock Lesnar does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles” contest. Brock Lesnar won… by five.
Brock Lesnar is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Brock Lesnar can kill two stones with one bird.
When Brock Lesnar crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
Brock Lesnar counted to infinity. Twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar can beat the Sun in a staring contest.
Brock Lesnar has already been to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life there.
They once made a Brock Lesnar toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
Brock Lesnar can hold his breathe for nine years.
Brock Lesnar CAN eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
An elbow to the chest by Brock Lesnar is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
Brock Lesnar is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
There is no such thing as a lesbian, there are just girls who have never met Brock Lesnar.
When Brock Lesnar had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Brock Lesnar. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
If Brock Lesnar is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Brock Lesnar sleeps with a night light. Not because Brock Lesnar is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Brock Lesnar
Brock Lesnar doesn’t chew gum. Brock Lesnar chews tin foil.
Brock Lesnar can touch MC Hammer.
When Brock Lesnar runs with scissors other people get hurt.
Brock Lesnar ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Brock Lesnar can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Brock Lesnar frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
If you spell Brock Lesnar in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
There is no such thing as tornados. Brock Lesnar just hates trailer parks.
Brock Lesnar once had a heart attack, his heart lost.
A duck’s quack does not echo. Brock Lesnar is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Brock Lesnar’ fists are so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
When Brock Lesnar plays Monopoly, it affects the economy.
Apple pays Brock Lesnar 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Brock Lesnar’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
When Brock Lesnar does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Brock Lesnar has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
When Brock Lesnar picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.
Brock Lesnar invented water.
Brock Lesnar can rhyme orange and purple… with each other!
Brock Lesnar’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Brock Lesnar jumps out.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t wear a watch; HE decides what time it is.
Brock Lesnar gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Brock Lesnar once had sex in a trailer and a little bit of sperm got in the gas tank, we now know this trailer as Optimus Prime
Brock Lesnar can slam a revolving door.
There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Brock Lesnar’s computer. Brock Lesnar is always in control.
Minnesota does not have a police force. They have Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Brock Lesnar? …All of it.
Brock Lesnar’s penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
You are what you eat. Brock Lesnar eats steel.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t eat breakfast, he forces it into submission.
Anyone can piss on the floor, but Brock Lesnar can shit on the ceiling
What is the quickest way to mans heart? Brock Lesnar’s fist.
Brock Lesnar is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
God wanted to create the world in 10 days. Brock Lesnar gave him 6.
Most people put their pants on one leg at a time; Brock Lesnar does both legs at once.
There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Brock Lesnar counts for 4 of them.
Brock Lesnar once punched a man in the SOUL.
God said “Let there be light”, Brock Lesnar said “Say please”.
If you Google search “Brock Lesnar getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
It takes Brock Lesnar 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Bullets dodge Brock Lesnar
Brock Lesnar can divide by zero.
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Brock Lesnar to go around.
Brock Lesnar always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
Brock Lesnar believes it’s not butter.
Brock Lesnar can get Blackjack with just one card
Brock Lesnar was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
Brock Lesnar can sneeze with his eyes open
Brock Lesnar got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Brock Lesnar for every answer
Brock Lesnar can split the atom. With his bare hands
Brock Lesnar let the dogs out
Brock Lesnar can piss into gale force winds.
Brock Lesnar invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Brock Lesnar does not “style” his hair. It lies perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
Guns don’t kill people. Brock Lesnar kills People.
What came first, the chicken or the egg? Brock Lesnar.
“Brock Lesnar can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Brock Lesnar allows to live.
Brock Lesnar destroyed the periodic table, because Brock Lesnar only recognizes the element of surprise.
Brock Lesnar can unscramble an egg.
Brock Lesnar can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar once ate 4 turtles whole. When he crapped them out, they all knew karate, and they are now known as The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Brock Lesnar is what Willis was talking about.
Guns kill 12 people a day. Brock Lesnar kills 20.
When Brock Lesnar goes hunting he shoots himself in the leg to give the bear a head start.
Brock Lesnar once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Brock Lesnar once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
The only thing better than Brock Lesnar is Brock Lesnar on TV, talking about Brock Lesnar.
When Brock Lesnar sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Brock Lesnar has not had to pay taxes, ever.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Brock Lesnar can delete the Recycle Bin.
Brock Lesnar puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t get the belt, the belt get Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar can gargle peanut butter.
Brock Lesnar is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Brock Lesnar once went back in time to fight Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee. Brock won blindfolded.
Brock Lesnar lost his virginity before his dad did.
What was going through the minds of Brock Lesnar’ victims before they died? His shoe.
When Brock Lesnar gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, “Now.”
Brock Lesnar doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.
There are no races, only countries of people Brock Lesnar has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Brock Lesnar. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
Brock Lesnar can build a snowman out of rain.
The adjective “perfect” originated when Brock Lesnar gave his penis a nicknameAll you need to know is not to mess with Brock Lesnar or he will kill you, slowly. You have been warned!

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**’Hello?’**


**’Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?’**


**’No, Daddy.**
**She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Dave.’**

**After a brief pause,**


**Daddy says,**

**’But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Dave.’**

*’Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy,**

**Right now..’**

Brief Pause.



**’Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’**



**’Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.’**

**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**


**’I did it, Daddy.’**

**’And what happened, honey?’ **


‘Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**


**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn’t moving at all!’**

**’Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Dave?’**
**’He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**


**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**
**’Swimming pool?  ………..**

**Is this 486-5731?’*

**No, I think you have the wrong number………*

Dog For Sale

Dog For  Sale
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.  Most of them knew Jethro only by his  Oriental street name, Ho Lee Schitt.

From a former war vet

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry’ We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, ‘I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and y elling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. In the ‘New army’ now, ‘Get down and give me … er .. One.’

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. Also, we won’t get in trouble for mistreating prisoners.
We won’t take any.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol….we will have it secured the first night!

World Peace Plan

Robin William’s plan for world peace

(Hard to argue with this logic!)
‘I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here’s one plan.’

1) ‘The US will apologize to the world for our ‘interference’ in their affairs, past &present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those ‘good ole boys’, we will never ‘interfere’ again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines They don’t want us there, anyway. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We’ll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They’re illegal!!! France will welcome them .

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don’t like it there, change it yourself and don’t hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don’t need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers

5) No foreign ‘students’ over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don’t attend classes, they get a ‘D’ and it’s back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort
to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while .

7) Offer Saudi A rabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don’t like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not ‘interfere.’ They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given
to the army. The people who need
it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace We don’t need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10 ) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us ‘Ugly Americans’ any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH…learn it..or LEAVE…

Now, isn’t that a winner of a plan?

‘The Statue of Liberty is no longer
saying ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.’ She’s got a baseball bat and she’s yelling,
‘you want a piece of me?’ ‘