Category: VII


Nazi Naked Mickey Mouse Art

An Italian artist posted this in Poland (a country that lost 6 million lives during WWII) as a message about American lifestyles. Apparently something is lost in the translation.

Simpsons Celebrate 4th of July

“Celebrate your country’s independence by blowing up a small part of it”

What Really Killed Jesus?

There have always been questions when it comes to history. The more information we gather the more the past seems to change. We have found fossils to prove humans and dinosaurs never co-existed. The Earth being the center of the universe is far from correct, even if we are the center of our own existence. Now it is possible that the story of Jesus dying on a cross might not be correct. His death is not in question, just the method that killed him.

I have always wondered that if Christ had lived at another time would people be wearing electric chairs or muskets around their necks instead of a crucifix. It seems like a silly thought but it does raise an interesting question. Now it might be that a traditional crucifix was not only not the way Christ was killed, but that it didn’t exist at all.

Gunnar Samuelsson is an evangelical preacher and theologian and has spent three years scouring thousands of ancient texts to research a recent doctorial thesis called “Crucifixion in Antiquity”. Samuelsson’s research found numerous references to “suspension devices” used for executions at the time of Christ’s death, he could find no explicit references to the classic T-shaped cross. There is no distinct punishment called ‘crucifixion,’ no distinct punishment device called a ‘crucifix’ anywhere mentioned in any of the ancient texts including the Gospels.”

The issue may lay in translation. When reading the ancient Greek text that the New Testiment was written in, there is no mention of a crucifix as we recognize today. In Greek the word used for the actual wooden structre is “stauros”, which literally means a suspension device. It could be anything from a tree, pike style weapon, or pole. The issue that Samuelsson found was that there were references to killed animals and fruits “being crucified”. Obviously this doesn’t make much sense but being on a suspension device does.
There is plenty of evidence that the Romans did carry out countless executions in a hanging method, but the details don’t match up with what we see today. The Romans were very proud of their weapons and punishment and were very gruesome to the point of bragging about their exploits. They never mentioned nailing a person to a structure, or any contraption that looked like a crucifix. There are minor variotions in many eye witness accounts of Christ’s execution, but the end result is the same. While the method of how Christ died may have been changed as the story was passed down and translated, the actions and the basis for the faith remain the same.

Baseball Justice

Why do people bring baseball gloves to a game and not use them (or bring them at all)? I went to a college hockey game once and a guy tried to catch a puck from an errant slap shot of the stick a hulking Swedish defenseman. The puck ended up twenty rows past the guy and his thumb was still snapped back to his wrist. Accidents happen so hang up the f’n phone!

The headline pretty much says it all. The video — for now anyway —can be seen at Deadspin. Wait for the slow-mo, which renders the fan’s divinely-deigned fate all the clearer.  Sadly, it doesn’t appear as though he’s talking on an iPhone, but let us not make the perfect the enemy of the good.

Best part: the girl who brought her glove to the game and was standing right next to cell phone guy actually backed away from the ball rather than try to field it.  I’d like to think that this was intentional and that she knew full well her role in this fan’s cosmic comeuppance.

A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

‘My darring,’ he whispers, ‘I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting – juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?’ he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her..

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, ‘I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls… Numbaa 69.’

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, ‘You want… Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?”

Water a Blinding Force

Who knew?

Microwaving  Water!

A  26-year old man decided to have a cup of coffee. He took a cup of  water and put it in the microwave to heat it up (something that he  had done numerous times before). I am not sure how long he set the  timer for, but he wanted to bring the water to a boil. When the  timer shut the oven off, he removed the cup from the oven. As he  looked into the cup, he noted that the! water was not boiling, but  suddenly the water in the cup ‘blew up’ into his face. The cup  remained intact until he threw it out of his hand, but all the  water had flown out into his face due to the buildup of energy.  His whole face is blistered and he has 1st and 2nd degree burns to  his face which may leave scarring.

He also may have lost  partial sight in his left eye. While at the hospital, the doctor  who was attending to him stated that this is a fairly common  occurrence and water (alone) should never be heated in a microwave  oven. If water is heated in this manner, something should be  placed in the cup to diffuse the energy such as a wooden stir  stick, tea bag, etc.., (nothing metal).

General  Electric’s Response:

Thanks  for contacting us, I will be happy to assist you. The e-mail that  you received is correct. Microwaved water and other liquids do not  always bubble when they reach the boiling point. They can actually  get superheated and not bubble at all. The superheated liquid will  bubble up out of the cup when it is moved or when something like a  spoon or tea bag is put into it.

To prevent this from  happening and causing injury, do not heat any liquid for  more than two minutes per cup. After heating, let the cup  stand in the microwave for thirty seconds! before moving it  or adding anything into it.

Here is what our local science  teacher had to say on the matter: ‘Thanks for the microwave  warning. I have seen this happen before. It is caused by a  phenomenon known as super heating. It can occur anytime water is  heated and will particularly occur if the vessel that the  water is heated in is new, or when heating a small amount of water  (less than half a cup).

What happens is that the  water heats faster than the vapor bubbles can form. If the cup is  very new then it is unlikely to have small surface scratches  inside it that provide a place for the bubbles to form. As the  bubbles cannot form and release some of the heat has built up, the  liquid does not boil, and the liquid continues to heat up well  past its boiling point.

What then usually happens is that  the liquid is bumped or jarred, which is just enough of a shock to  cause the bubbles to rapidly form and expel the hot liquid. The  rapid formation of bubbles is also why a carbonated beverage spews  when opened after having been  shaken.’

During the NBA Draft teams are drafting players based on potential. Most have spent only a year or two in college, and aren’t even of legal drinking age yet. However teams gather to hand these young men millions of dollars of guaranteed contract salary.

The quote of the 2010 NBA Draft was from basketball HOF coach (formerly of Georgetown) John Thompson. When asked about talented but potentially immiture DeMarcus Cousins, Thompson unleashed the following gem, “You can calm down a fool before you can resurrect a corpse.” Now that sounds bad but it was a compliment. No, really it was.

Thompson’s point was that you have a better chance to teach a talented player to control his rambunctious actions than you can teach a calm average player to be star. He has a point but 68 year old Thompson has a better shot at getting a maximum NBA contract than becoming a PR guru.

Irony, BP Style

The BP oil spill is a horrific tragedy. However in every situation, no matter how sad, something can be find that is a positive ir make you smile.

For the many, many people out there who find Facebook useless and a complete waste of time, this story might change your minds. A mother whose two children were kidnapped by their father 15 years ago found her kids by typing their names into Facebook. She called police, the father was arrested, and now mother and children are reunited. CNN discusses

Opposing Views: Mom Finds Kids on Facebook 15 Years After Kidnapping; Dad Arrested.

Will George Lucas EVER stop reshooting that cantina scene? First he tried to make us believe, with his edits to Star Wars, that Greedo shot first. (Sorry, George—we ain’t buying it.)
And now THIS?
We’ve watched and rewatched that Mos Eisley scene so many times we occasionally forget we weren’t actually there, but one thing we’re sure of is that David Beckham and Snoop Dogg weren’t there either!
Well, now they are, thanks to a commercial for Adidas Originals that Lucasfilm pulled together tied in with the upcoming 2010 FIFA World Cup.

Brock Lesnar > Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was once the most feared man in the world. Now that he has gotten older he has had to relinquish his status as the toughest man that ever lived. After a long and exhausting search a replacement for Norris was found, and he is even tougher that Norris. After nearly dying from diverticulitis, UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar made the colon disease disappear. The only way to cure it is with a surgical removal. Brock is tougher than disease and smarter than medical experts. Brock is now the most dangerous man in the universe. Here is just a small list of his skills.
Brock Lesnar is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t need to shave, his stubble falls out on its own
Brocks donated 156 organs to those in need. Half have come from his victims the other half are his and regenerated
Brock is immortal. If you try to kill him you will die
Brock’s tattoos aren’t real. No needle is strong enough to break his skin. He just draws them with sharpies.
Brock doesn’t need a cell phone. He just thinks and the person knows what he wants to say
Brock can’t get the flu. The flu gets shots to protect themselves from Brock
When Brock proposed he didn’t buy a diamond ring he squeezed a lump of Coal into a fourteen-carrot diamond
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Brock Lesnar can piss his name into concrete.
The chief export of Brock Lesnar is pain.
Brock Lesnar is the only person in the world that can actually email a heart punch.
Brock Lesnar’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Brock Lesnar uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
When Brock Lesnar is put in a straight jacket to be contained, he doesn’t go insane, the jacket does. NOBODY tries to contain Brock Lesnar.
Jesus can walk on water, but Brock Lesnar can swim through dry land.
Brock Lesnar once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Brock Lesnar doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.
Brock Lesnar once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Superman wears Brock Lesnar pajamas when he goes to sleep.
Brock Lesnar does not need to use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford changes its actual spelling.
Brock Lesnar died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
Brock Lesnar does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles” contest. Brock Lesnar won… by five.
Brock Lesnar is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Brock Lesnar can kill two stones with one bird.
When Brock Lesnar crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
Brock Lesnar counted to infinity. Twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar can beat the Sun in a staring contest.
Brock Lesnar has already been to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life there.
They once made a Brock Lesnar toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
Brock Lesnar can hold his breathe for nine years.
Brock Lesnar CAN eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
An elbow to the chest by Brock Lesnar is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
Brock Lesnar is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
There is no such thing as a lesbian, there are just girls who have never met Brock Lesnar.
When Brock Lesnar had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Brock Lesnar. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
If Brock Lesnar is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Brock Lesnar sleeps with a night light. Not because Brock Lesnar is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Brock Lesnar
Brock Lesnar doesn’t chew gum. Brock Lesnar chews tin foil.
Brock Lesnar can touch MC Hammer.
When Brock Lesnar runs with scissors other people get hurt.
Brock Lesnar ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Brock Lesnar can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Brock Lesnar frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
If you spell Brock Lesnar in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
There is no such thing as tornados. Brock Lesnar just hates trailer parks.
Brock Lesnar once had a heart attack, his heart lost.
A duck’s quack does not echo. Brock Lesnar is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Brock Lesnar’ fists are so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
When Brock Lesnar plays Monopoly, it affects the economy.
Apple pays Brock Lesnar 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Brock Lesnar’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
When Brock Lesnar does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Brock Lesnar has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
When Brock Lesnar picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.
Brock Lesnar invented water.
Brock Lesnar can rhyme orange and purple… with each other!
Brock Lesnar’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Brock Lesnar jumps out.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t wear a watch; HE decides what time it is.
Brock Lesnar gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Brock Lesnar once had sex in a trailer and a little bit of sperm got in the gas tank, we now know this trailer as Optimus Prime
Brock Lesnar can slam a revolving door.
There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Brock Lesnar’s computer. Brock Lesnar is always in control.
Minnesota does not have a police force. They have Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Brock Lesnar? …All of it.
Brock Lesnar’s penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
You are what you eat. Brock Lesnar eats steel.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t eat breakfast, he forces it into submission.
Anyone can piss on the floor, but Brock Lesnar can shit on the ceiling
What is the quickest way to mans heart? Brock Lesnar’s fist.
Brock Lesnar is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
God wanted to create the world in 10 days. Brock Lesnar gave him 6.
Most people put their pants on one leg at a time; Brock Lesnar does both legs at once.
There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Brock Lesnar counts for 4 of them.
Brock Lesnar once punched a man in the SOUL.
God said “Let there be light”, Brock Lesnar said “Say please”.
If you Google search “Brock Lesnar getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
It takes Brock Lesnar 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Bullets dodge Brock Lesnar
Brock Lesnar can divide by zero.
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Brock Lesnar to go around.
Brock Lesnar always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
Brock Lesnar believes it’s not butter.
Brock Lesnar can get Blackjack with just one card
Brock Lesnar was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
Brock Lesnar can sneeze with his eyes open
Brock Lesnar got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Brock Lesnar for every answer
Brock Lesnar can split the atom. With his bare hands
Brock Lesnar let the dogs out
Brock Lesnar can piss into gale force winds.
Brock Lesnar invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Brock Lesnar does not “style” his hair. It lies perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
Guns don’t kill people. Brock Lesnar kills People.
What came first, the chicken or the egg? Brock Lesnar.
“Brock Lesnar can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Brock Lesnar allows to live.
Brock Lesnar destroyed the periodic table, because Brock Lesnar only recognizes the element of surprise.
Brock Lesnar can unscramble an egg.
Brock Lesnar can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar once ate 4 turtles whole. When he crapped them out, they all knew karate, and they are now known as The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Brock Lesnar is what Willis was talking about.
Guns kill 12 people a day. Brock Lesnar kills 20.
When Brock Lesnar goes hunting he shoots himself in the leg to give the bear a head start.
Brock Lesnar once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Brock Lesnar once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
The only thing better than Brock Lesnar is Brock Lesnar on TV, talking about Brock Lesnar.
When Brock Lesnar sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Brock Lesnar has not had to pay taxes, ever.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Brock Lesnar can delete the Recycle Bin.
Brock Lesnar puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t get the belt, the belt get Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar can gargle peanut butter.
Brock Lesnar is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Brock Lesnar once went back in time to fight Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee. Brock won blindfolded.
Brock Lesnar lost his virginity before his dad did.
What was going through the minds of Brock Lesnar’ victims before they died? His shoe.
When Brock Lesnar gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, “Now.”
Brock Lesnar doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.
There are no races, only countries of people Brock Lesnar has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Brock Lesnar. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
Brock Lesnar can build a snowman out of rain.
The adjective “perfect” originated when Brock Lesnar gave his penis a nickname
All you need to know is not to mess with Brock Lesnar or he will kill you, slowly. You have been warned!

Chuck Norris was once the most feared man in the world. Now that he has gotten older he has had to relinquish his status as the toughest man that ever lived. After a long and exhausting search a replacement for Norris was found, and he is even tougher that Norris. After nearly dying from diverticulitis, UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar made the colon disease disappear. The only way to cure it is with a surgical removal. Brock is tougher than disease and smarter than medical experts. Brock is now the most dangerous man in the universe. Here is just a small list of his skills.
Brock Lesnar is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t need to shave, his stubble falls out on its ownBrocks donated 156 organs to those in need. Half have come from his victims the other half are his and regeneratedBrock is immortal. If you try to kill him you will dieBrock’s tattoos aren’t real. No needle is strong enough to break his skin. He just draws them with sharpies.Brock doesn’t need a cell phone. He just thinks and the person knows what he wants to sayBrock can’t get the flu. The flu gets shots to protect themselves from BrockWhen Brock proposed he didn’t buy a diamond ring he squeezed a lump of Coal into a fourteen-carrot diamondSome kids piss their name in the snow. Brock Lesnar can piss his name into concrete.
The chief export of Brock Lesnar is pain.
Brock Lesnar is the only person in the world that can actually email a heart punch.
Brock Lesnar’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Brock Lesnar uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
When Brock Lesnar is put in a straight jacket to be contained, he doesn’t go insane, the jacket does. NOBODY tries to contain Brock Lesnar.
Jesus can walk on water, but Brock Lesnar can swim through dry land.
Brock Lesnar once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Brock Lesnar doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.
Brock Lesnar once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Superman wears Brock Lesnar pajamas when he goes to sleep.
Brock Lesnar does not need to use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford changes its actual spelling.
Brock Lesnar died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
Brock Lesnar does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles” contest. Brock Lesnar won… by five.
Brock Lesnar is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Brock Lesnar can kill two stones with one bird.
When Brock Lesnar crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
Brock Lesnar counted to infinity. Twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar can beat the Sun in a staring contest.
Brock Lesnar has already been to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life there.
They once made a Brock Lesnar toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
Brock Lesnar can hold his breathe for nine years.
Brock Lesnar CAN eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
An elbow to the chest by Brock Lesnar is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
Brock Lesnar is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
There is no such thing as a lesbian, there are just girls who have never met Brock Lesnar.
When Brock Lesnar had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Brock Lesnar. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
If Brock Lesnar is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Brock Lesnar sleeps with a night light. Not because Brock Lesnar is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Brock Lesnar
Brock Lesnar doesn’t chew gum. Brock Lesnar chews tin foil.
Brock Lesnar can touch MC Hammer.
When Brock Lesnar runs with scissors other people get hurt.
Brock Lesnar ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Brock Lesnar can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Brock Lesnar frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
If you spell Brock Lesnar in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
There is no such thing as tornados. Brock Lesnar just hates trailer parks.
Brock Lesnar once had a heart attack, his heart lost.
A duck’s quack does not echo. Brock Lesnar is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Brock Lesnar’ fists are so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
When Brock Lesnar plays Monopoly, it affects the economy.
Apple pays Brock Lesnar 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Brock Lesnar’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
When Brock Lesnar does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Brock Lesnar has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
When Brock Lesnar picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.
Brock Lesnar invented water.
Brock Lesnar can rhyme orange and purple… with each other!
Brock Lesnar’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Brock Lesnar jumps out.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t wear a watch; HE decides what time it is.
Brock Lesnar gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Brock Lesnar once had sex in a trailer and a little bit of sperm got in the gas tank, we now know this trailer as Optimus Prime
Brock Lesnar can slam a revolving door.
There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Brock Lesnar’s computer. Brock Lesnar is always in control.
Minnesota does not have a police force. They have Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Brock Lesnar? …All of it.
Brock Lesnar’s penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
You are what you eat. Brock Lesnar eats steel.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t eat breakfast, he forces it into submission.
Anyone can piss on the floor, but Brock Lesnar can shit on the ceiling
What is the quickest way to mans heart? Brock Lesnar’s fist.
Brock Lesnar is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
God wanted to create the world in 10 days. Brock Lesnar gave him 6.
Most people put their pants on one leg at a time; Brock Lesnar does both legs at once.
There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Brock Lesnar counts for 4 of them.
Brock Lesnar once punched a man in the SOUL.
God said “Let there be light”, Brock Lesnar said “Say please”.
If you Google search “Brock Lesnar getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
It takes Brock Lesnar 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Bullets dodge Brock Lesnar
Brock Lesnar can divide by zero.
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Brock Lesnar to go around.
Brock Lesnar always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
Brock Lesnar believes it’s not butter.
Brock Lesnar can get Blackjack with just one card
Brock Lesnar was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
Brock Lesnar can sneeze with his eyes open
Brock Lesnar got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Brock Lesnar for every answer
Brock Lesnar can split the atom. With his bare hands
Brock Lesnar let the dogs out
Brock Lesnar can piss into gale force winds.
Brock Lesnar invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Brock Lesnar does not “style” his hair. It lies perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
Guns don’t kill people. Brock Lesnar kills People.
What came first, the chicken or the egg? Brock Lesnar.
“Brock Lesnar can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Brock Lesnar allows to live.
Brock Lesnar destroyed the periodic table, because Brock Lesnar only recognizes the element of surprise.
Brock Lesnar can unscramble an egg.
Brock Lesnar can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar once ate 4 turtles whole. When he crapped them out, they all knew karate, and they are now known as The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Brock Lesnar is what Willis was talking about.
Guns kill 12 people a day. Brock Lesnar kills 20.
When Brock Lesnar goes hunting he shoots himself in the leg to give the bear a head start.
Brock Lesnar once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Brock Lesnar once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
The only thing better than Brock Lesnar is Brock Lesnar on TV, talking about Brock Lesnar.
When Brock Lesnar sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Brock Lesnar has not had to pay taxes, ever.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Brock Lesnar can delete the Recycle Bin.
Brock Lesnar puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t get the belt, the belt get Brock Lesnar.
Brock Lesnar can gargle peanut butter.
Brock Lesnar is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Brock Lesnar once went back in time to fight Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee. Brock won blindfolded.
Brock Lesnar lost his virginity before his dad did.
What was going through the minds of Brock Lesnar’ victims before they died? His shoe.
When Brock Lesnar gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Brock Lesnar doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, “Now.”
Brock Lesnar doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.
There are no races, only countries of people Brock Lesnar has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Brock Lesnar. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
Brock Lesnar can build a snowman out of rain.
The adjective “perfect” originated when Brock Lesnar gave his penis a nicknameAll you need to know is not to mess with Brock Lesnar or he will kill you, slowly. You have been warned!

Dear Brett Favre,
You are a living legend and will go down in history as one of the best quarterbacks ever to put on a helmet. The problem is that you refuse to put your helmet down and become history. You need to stop, as this is getting ridiculous. You have been subjecting fans to potential retirements for years, and you are not the MVP winning gunslinger you once were. You should have left Green Bay and headed straight for your Wrangler jeans commercials and stayed there. Instead you held the Packers hostage before ending up in New Jersey. You did start out well for the Jets, but don’t only did the wheels come off, but your axels broke, the engine cracked, the car split in half, all before plummeting off a cliff into a lake of acid. This year was better for Minnesota, but you still ended up falling short once again.
It is tough to give up what you love to do, and retiring isn’t easy. You joined the likes of Joe Namath, Joe Montana, and Johnny Unitas as quarterbacks who left their home and became a shell of their former selves. Leaving Green Bayfor New York and single-handily keeping the Jets out of the playoffs should have been the last of your career. You are now going to play for your long time enemy in Minnesota after retiring (again) so you didn’t have to go through training camp. You are the football equivalent of Ric Flair. You can still put on a good show sometimes, but you need a good supporting cast to help carry you to a good match. In Minnesota you have Adrian Peterson but sub-par receivers. You may be able to help the Vikings battle for the playoffs, but you need to realize you can’t keep doing this. The fans don’t want it, the organizations don’t want it, and the NFL doesn’t want it. Stay home. Go ride your tractor on Sundays. If you want I bet you can drive down to Alabama and Forrest Gump will let you mow his football field for him. Brett, stop tarnishing your legacy and make way for the players half your age that actually are on the rise. Football will survive, but if you keep pulling the same stunt every year you may not. Now go take some Prilosec, slip on your Wranglers, and go work on that Geritol endorsement deal.

Wrestler Vampiro Kidnapped

Former WCW and TNA star Vampiro was allegedly kidnapped on Monday night while traveling through the Mexican state of Michuacan in the middle of the drug wars. Apparently Vampiro was held for 23 hours before being released. Vampiro made a number of appearances for TNA in 2003 mostly as part of James Mitchell’s New Church. Lately, Vampiro has been working part time for AAA in Mexico and is actually the head of the Guardian Angels in Mexico City. His Guardian Angel affiliation could very well have played a role in his kidnapping.

The Truth Hurts – ID Theft

On an average day I talk to several people that have had their identities stolen. This has become an epidemic in America, one that can be avoided. The reason for the increase in identity theft rests squarely on the parents, the people in the 30-50 year old age bracket. These people have two issues to overcome. The first is blissful ignorance. Their parents lived in a safer time, a world where you knew your neighbors and you didn’t have to lock your doors. They never had to learn how to protect themselves and their identities. As a result they are raising a generation of people that have no common sense when it comes to keeping their information safe.

The teens and early twenties people of our generation have no clue what is stupid behavior. When they get bank statements they throw them out in the envelope, often without looking at them. You just gave a thief your address, your name, your bank and account numbers, as well as your shopping patterns, maybe even your signature. Then there are the people that leave their purse or wallet in the car. Your car gets broken into or even left unlocked, and a thief has every piece of identity you own, and your money can be gone in an instant. The worst thing people do is trust friends to use their debit card and pin number. If you have a dishonest friend who knows your pin number and card number, then consider yourself screwed.

The next generation of identity theft lies with the children too young to have an identity worth taking. Their impending issues are their names. Parents are making up more and more unusual names for their children. When you have a name like Bob, Mary, Rick, Jeff, etc you know if the person you are talking to is a man or a woman. If you talk to Jamira is that person male or female? I have seen both. Now some names may have meaning in other countries or languages, but if you want to avoid identity theft try a bit more of a distinctive name. If you teach your children how to stay safe and give them a normal name then their identity will be safer.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink

[MY QUOTE]

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink…but you can drowned it trying

Fun With Family Guy

For years Family Guy has been one of the most irreverent and controversial shows on television. When your show gets canceled and only makes it back on the air due to a rabid Internet fanbase, it goes to show that you are one of the best at what you do. Family Guy has always strives to push the envelope, and not only does the show not apologize for this, they revel in it. Would you really think that Family Guy’s Emmy campaign would be anything less than over the top?

In a world that strives to be politically correct, Family Guy flips the world the bird. Like most comedies, when it comes to awards the focus is on fun (The Boondocks slogan their first year was “Fuck It, We’ll Try Anyway”). For Family Guy it is fun and making fun that they excel at. They decided to try a theme they call “Celebrating Diversity”. So without further adieu, here are the highlights from Family Guy’s Emmy mailer…

The “Celebrating Diversity” theme is carried on inside with a list of all writers on the animated show grouped by ethnicity/sexual orientation: “Family Guy – written by 8 WASPS, 6 Jews, 2 Asian and 1 Gay.” They also had their poster featuring Peter Griffin in the movie poster from Precious. It isn’t a bad idea but can it top their success last year when it won for Best Comedy, the first cartoon to win in almost 50 years. At least last year’s mailer had better reasons to vote for the show. “We peaked 3 years ago, so by your logic we should get an Emmy now; You have to vote for us — we did a holocaust episode; and Family Guy with Tina Fey… Not really, we just want an Emmy”.

Will Family Guy win another Best Comedy Emmy this year? They have my vote (not that I have one or anyone cares what I think).

Jack Bauer…Vampire?

With the final season of 24 ending the biggest mystery of all is Jack Bauer. A normal television season takes place over weeks or months, where 24 takes place in one day. We tend to forget that the gash, burn, or broken rib in the sixth hour should and would still be there twelve hours later, but miraculously they are gone. Not only does Jack have the power to heal almost instantly, but also he never ages. Take a look at the timeline from the various 24 seasons to see that Jack Bauer may be a vampire (fast healing + can’t die + doesn’t age).
In the first season, in 2001, Jack was a highly successful federal agent with a 15-year-old daughter. Although Jack’s age was never stated, he had to be at least in his late mid to late thirties. He was a college graduate who had received his master’s in criminology, then joined the U.S. Army, reaching the rank of captain in the prestigious Delta Squad. After the Army, he worked for Los Angeles SWAT team, and then joined the CIA in its clandestine wing. After this, he was recruited to the CTU, the mysterious agency where Jack toils when the series begins. It is almost impossible for an average person to have accomplished so much before they were fifty, but Bauer is no average man.
When the series started we can be extra generous and say he was 38. A warning is that the timeline isn’t exact but it is as close as we can get. Season 2 was 18 months after season 1, making Jack 39-40. Season 3 was three years after season 2, making Jack about 42-43. Season 4 was 18 months after season 3, making Jack about at least 45. Season 5 was 18 months after season 4, making Jack about 47. Season 6 was 20 months after season 5, making Jack about 49. 24-Redemption, a two-hour movie that supposedly tied things together, was four years after season 6, making Jack 53-54. Season 7, happening shortly after Redemption, still has Jack at around 54. Season 8, looks to be three years after season 8, as Jack’s granddaughter is close to three, making Jack around 57. He’s quite a physical specimen for a man with an AARP Card! Also, add up the years and it is now 2014 in the series, if the series started in the same year that it aired. Maybe that explains all the CTU super-technology that does not seem to exist in our reality. VAMPIRES I TELL YOU, VAMPIRES.

With the final season of 24 ending the biggest mystery of all is Jack Bauer. A normal television season takes place over weeks or months, where 24 takes place in one day. We tend to forget that the gash, burn, or broken rib in the sixth hour should and would still be there twelve hours later, but miraculously they are gone. Not only does Jack have the power to heal almost instantly, but also he never ages. Take a look at the timeline from the various 24 seasons to see that Jack Bauer may be a vampire (fast healing + can’t die + doesn’t age).In the first season, in 2001, Jack was a highly successful federal agent with a 15-year-old daughter. Although Jack’s age was never stated, he had to be at least in his late mid to late thirties. He was a college graduate who had received his master’s in criminology, then joined the U.S. Army, reaching the rank of captain in the prestigious Delta Squad. After the Army, he worked for Los Angeles SWAT team, and then joined the CIA in its clandestine wing. After this, he was recruited to the CTU, the mysterious agency where Jack toils when the series begins. It is almost impossible for an average person to have accomplished so much before they were fifty, but Bauer is no average man.When the series started we can be extra generous and say he was 38. A warning is that the timeline isn’t exact but it is as close as we can get. Season 2 was 18 months after season 1, making Jack 39-40. Season 3 was three years after season 2, making Jack about 42-43. Season 4 was 18 months after season 3, making Jack about at least 45. Season 5 was 18 months after season 4, making Jack about 47. Season 6 was 20 months after season 5, making Jack about 49. 24-Redemption, a two-hour movie that supposedly tied things together, was four years after season 6, making Jack 53-54. Season 7, happening shortly after Redemption, still has Jack at around 54. Season 8, looks to be three years after season 8, as Jack’s granddaughter is close to three, making Jack around 57. He’s quite a physical specimen for a man with an AARP Card! Also, add up the years and it is now 2014 in the series, if the series started in the same year that it aired. Maybe that explains all the CTU super-technology that does not seem to exist in our reality. VAMPIRES I TELL YOU, VAMPIRES.

Ever since news came out that Tim Burton would be making a live version of Alice in Wonderland with Johnny Deep as the Mad Hatter, fans have waited with bated breath. By now if you were planning on going to see the movie you probably already have, so it is safe to talk about it.

Now I am a huge fan of Tim Burton, the Mad Hatter, and the insanity of the Alice in Wonderland and Alice Through the Looking Glass books. The movie was based more on Alice Through the Looking Glass (about when she was grown) with a flashback to the original Alice in Wonderland. This was a movie that was better in 3-D, but wasn’t crucial. In fact the best thing about the movie was the graphics. The movie was short and the story seemed a bit rushed. There were little continuity problems (the cuts on Alice’s are getting better and worse depending on the scene) but nothing that took away from the movie as a whole. That being said it was still worth the experience, even if it is just to see for yourself if Deep’s dancing ruins the movie.

Once one of your favorite actors, actresses, directors, etc. takes on a role you will always be more excited to see it than a film without someone you have an interest in seeing. I can’t decide if I am being to hard or too easy on Alice in Wonderland, but it is worth seeing especially if you can still see it in 3-D.

Sports We Ignore

All around the world people take part in sports that the average American doesn’t understand or couldn’t care less about. Sports like bullfighting, rugby, and cricket are barely a blip on America’s radar screen. Even professional soccer has seemed to elude many Americans. Our kids may play it but when the casual soccer fan would have trouble naming the best teams and players that shows a lack of interest. We are so set in our ways that if it isn’t one of the big four sports (baseball, basketball, football, hockey) we don’t seem to care. Even golf is a sport people play but don’t watch, outside of Tiger Woods. The sad thing is that there are major things occurring right now and we are oblivious.

ESPN is currently trying to introduce cricket to their audience. They can’t risk a ratings bomb in primetime so they are showing it (complete with small little picture advertisement) on ESPN360.com. Apparently ESPN News, ESPN 2, ESPN etc., all had other obligations to broadcast.

Last December on of the best rugby players in the world came out that he was gay. Until Sports Illustrated ran an article this month on Gareth Thomas you would have trouble naming anything rugby related. I know I have no knowledge about the sport other than just a basic understanding of how it works. I am ignorant to the sport myself, and was amazed at the story of Thomas. What was astounding is how well teammates and fans received his news. Would we be so accepting if Peyton Manning or LeBron James announced they were gay?

There is one sport that I just can’t support, and that is bullfighting. There is pageantry and beauty in the sport so they say, but to me it seems like mocking an animal as it slowly dies. Once in a while the bull gets revenge for his species, but what happened to Julio Aparicio is cruel by any standards. Aparicio is one of the best bullfighters in the world, but he is now in critical condition. He fought a bull and the bull won, goring him through the jaw. Nobody deserves this.

So next time you are bored, or your favorite team is getting blown out, try taking a look at a new sport. You may just find out that you have room in your life for another sport.

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**’Hello?’**


**’Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?’**


**’No, Daddy.**
**She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Dave.’**

**After a brief pause,**


**Daddy says,**

**’But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Dave.’**

*’Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy,**

**Right now..’**

Brief Pause.



**’Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’**



**’Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.’**

**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**


**’I did it, Daddy.’**

**’And what happened, honey?’ **


‘Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**


**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn’t moving at all!’**

**’Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Dave?’**
**’He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**


**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**
**’Swimming pool?  ………..**

**Is this 486-5731?’*

**No, I think you have the wrong number………*

Dog For Sale

Dog For  Sale
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.  Most of them knew Jethro only by his  Oriental street name, Ho Lee Schitt.

Favre Can’t Leave Now

There is a new wrinkle in the ongoing Brett Favre career saga. Favre’s nephew Dylan is entering Ole Miss in the fall after a stellar high school career. It will take the younger Favre time to develop and perform well enough to get a chance at making it in the NFL. If Dylan Favre does play well enough in college to get a chance in the pros it will take time for him to learn the pro game. At that point Brett can retire and become Dylan’s position coach. We can’t have football without at least one Favre playing in the NFL. Brett Favre will have to continue to make the sacrifice and keep playing until no team wants him or Osteoporosis sets in. Don’t worry football fans Brett will be back in time for Week 1 of the 2010 season… somewhere.

Dez Bryant was a talented Wide Receiver at Oklahoma State but he did have his issues with the law and injuries, as well as a bad attitude. It was no secret that his past was going to take him from a top five pick in the NFL Draft to the bottom of the first round, costing him millions of dollars in future bonuses and salary. What Bryant needed was something to cheer him up. So when Bryant meet with the Miami Dolphins’ GM Jeff Ireland he told Bryant a few “Yo Momma” jokes to lighten the mood (YO MOMMA might have been the best show on MTV, EVER). No harm right?

Ireland led off with “Is yo momma still a prostitute?” and then “Yo momma still a druggie?”. I admit not the most creative jokes, but what do you expect from a middle-aged football executive? Well he was serious and actually asked Bryant these questions, during his pre-draft interview. For somereason Bryant was irate, but kept his cool. Ireland later apologized for the questions, and could face punishment from the NFL.

This little too good to be true story runs the gambit of feelings for me. I can understand the rage and embarrassment Bryant felt, but was Ireland out of line? If you are investing millions of dollars in a player you want to make sure he can keep his cool. You wouldn’t expect those questions in a normal job interview, but for that much money and public scrutiny, you could make up questions, stories, or limericks, about anyone in my family and I would deal with it.

Bryant will hear trash talking that is far worse on the field, but how you handle yourself in an unusual situation can be crucial. What would the story have been if Bryant flipped out and hit Ireland? Who would be the bad guy then? Ireland was out of line for what fans and players are used to, but who drew that line? If a coach or opponent can get a player to punch, kick, spit at, choke, or pull a gun on someone else, do we need to throw curveballs like this at people that may be prone to snapping and causing more damage later? Food for thought.

I bought a bird feeder. I hung It on my back porch and filled It with seed. What a beauty of A bird feeder it is, as I filled it Lovingly with seed. Within a Week we had hundreds of birds Taking advantage of the Continuous flow of free and Easily accessible food.

But then the birds started Building nests in the boards Of the patio, above the table, And next to the barbecue. Then came the poop. It was Everywhere: on the patio tile, The chairs, the table. Everywhere!

Then some of the birds Turned mean.They would Dive bomb me and try to Peck me even though I had Fed them Out of my own Pocket. And others birds were Boisterous and loud. They Sat on the feeder and Squawked and screamed at All hours of the day and night
And demanded that I fill it When it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn’t even Sit on my own back porch Anymore.. So I took down the Bird feeder and in three days The birds were gone. I cleaned Up their mess and took down
The many nests they had built All over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like It used to be…Quiet, serene And no one demanding their Rights to a free meal.

Now let’s see.
Our government gives out Free food, subsidized housing, Free medical care, and free
Education and allows anyone Born here to be an automatic Citizen. Then the illegals came by the Tens of thousands. Suddenly Our taxes went up to pay for Free services; small apartments Are housing 5 families; you Have to wait 6 hours to be seen By an emergency room doctor; Your child’s 2nd grade class is Behind other schools because Over half the class doesn’t speak English. Corn Flakes now come in a Bilingual box; I have to ‘press one’ to hear my bank Talk to me in English, and People waving flags other Than ‘Old Glory’ are
Squawking and screaming In the streets, demanding More rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it’s time for the government To take down the bird Feeder. If you agree, pass it on; if not, Continue cleaning up the poop!

When the television show V came back last month in March I was ecstatic. The show is a guilty pleasure, a mainstream sci-fi show that isn’t just for nerds. Recently (and for the first time in any sci-fi show) it came up that humans and the alien V’s can’t breed. Common sense would say that different species wouldn’t be able to procreate, but I guess we are supposed to chalk that up to willing suspension of disbelief. In a recent episode the “impossible” happened, an alien got a human woman pregnant. He had just told his girlfriend that he couldn’t have kids, and know she is knocked up and craving dead mice. This got me to thinking, what if aliens are already on Earth? Is the way to tell as simple as the ability to have children? Now there are people that have the ability to have kids, but it never happens, and there are instances where there are medical issues that prevent children. What about the people that medically should be able to have kids but even after years of trying, never can breed? I think we need to examine them, they may not really be human, just visitors from another planet. Think about it…